31 Style Reflections

Today, April 21st, is my birthday! With every trip around the sun, I like to take the time to reflect: Who is Lakyn, now? Do I like her? How is she dressing?

To answer my own questions, Lakyn at 31 is more confident, happy, and secure than she’s ever been. I like her, a lot, even despite her tendencies to talk too much and forget to wash off her makeup at night. She’s dressing simply, with a commitment to good fabrics, solid Outfit Formulas, and being conscious and thoughtful with her purchases without denying herself the pleasure of owning truly beautiful things.

Like Rome, I was not built in a day: it’s taken years of experimentation, messing up, trying again, going too hard, losing it all and, finally, figuring it out while also acknowledging that I’ll probably never have it all figured out.

I have no general life advice besides “keep going” and “it takes a village, even to raise yourself.” What I have in spades, though, is style advice. And that’s what you come here for, anyway, so here’s 31 pieces of advice that you may need to hear and that maybe I sometimes need to remember.

1. There’s more than one way to be sexy...

2. …But you don’t need to be sexy all the time. 

3. You’re actually naturally the sexiest when you feel the most you. 

My “sex appeal” has been something I’ve been acutely aware of ever since I became aware of, like, boys and kissing and stuff. And with that awareness has always been a sort of subconscious desire to try to attract the boys I want to kiss. And with that desire has always been a very clear idea of what “sexy” means: legs, cleavage, perfectly pouty lips, high heels—you know, the works. It truly wasn’t until recently that I started to explore what actually makes me feel alluring and I’ve found that I feel the most sensual in exactly whatever I want to wear, whether that be a miniskirt or maxi; heels or flats; full glam or barefaced. Of course…I’ll never let go of my cleavage.

4. It’s okay to get rid of that piece you never wear…

5. …But it’s also okay to keep it. 

Most of us are no stranger to The Closet Purge. But, as I’ve said many times before, just getting rid of something because you haven’t worn it in a while isn’t really enough to either effectively refine your wardrobe or prevent yourself from making the same mistakes that lead to purging in the first place. One way we shoot ourselves in the foot, thinking shedding all the dead weight that is our seldom-worn clothing will solve all our problems, is getting rid of the fun stuff we’ve only worn a couple of times. I actually propose we do the opposite: build our wardrobe around those items. And, in the meantime, don’t let go of it, so long as it has an occasion, even if that occasion is rare.

6. Stop saving things “for a special occasion.” 

7. There is a such thing as wardrobe stasis. But it’s never permanent. 

In The Resolved Wardrobe, I said, “there is a point where needs are met, wants are worth waiting for, and getting dressed is an exciting exercise rather than a daunting daily task” and that we should aim to be at that point for as long as possible. That said, we’re always evolving, and our wardrobes must evolve with us, otherwise, we end up in style ruts. Still, it’s so nice to be in a space where what you have is just fine, if only for that brief reprieve from the drive for constant consumption.

8. Yes, people notice that you’re wearing the same thing again. No, that’s not a bad thing.  

9. When someone you know can look at something and say “that’s so you,” and it is…your style has made it.

10. Just because you want something, doesn’t mean it’s for you.

For years, I’ve wanted to be a Woman With Silk Scarves. I’m constantly vintage and antique shopping for clients, so I come across them fairly often, particularly Hermes scarves with their vibrant colors, rich histories, and intricate designs. But, no matter how gorgeous they may be, I have to remember that I don’t actually like wearing scarves. Not on my head, not around my neck, not wrapped around my purse handles, not at all. I know this, but, I still have to talk myself out of buying every one I see: it’s simply not for me, no matter how much I wish it was.

11. There are worse things than a bad outfit.

12. Wait…no there aren’t.

13. Don’t overthink it.

My worst outfits—the ones in which I felt the least comfortable, photographed terribly, and wanted to go home and change out of immediately—have always come about from trying to be someone I’m not in order to make a good first impression. Who you are is good enough. The way you feel most comfortable is good enough.

14. There’s no need for labels.

I mean labels for yourself and your style, not designer labels. Some designer labels are worth it—just the independent ones, though.  

15. It simply doesn’t make sense to go cheap on the basics that you’re meant to wear the most. 

16. Some things really are worth paying a little—and sometimes a lot—more than we’re used to. 

17. No outfit is complete without accessories. 

18. A good bra really does change everything. 

I thought my bras were fine…until I got fitted by a professional. Let me tell you, it’s like having a whole new wardrobe.

19. Size is literally just a number.

Because I primarily shop secondhand where providing garment measurements is standard, and when I do shop new, it’s typically with smaller/independent brands where providing garment measurements is also commonplace: I don’t actually know “my size.” I couldn’t even hazard a guess toward my numbered dress size, and letter sizing—e.g. XS, XL, 4X—is unique to every brand, and therefore means next to nothing. And guess what? All my clothes fit exactly how I want them to. Because I know what’s important: how much ease (extra room) I like in my tops and how long I need my jacket sleeves to be and how long I need my skirts to be and, and, and.

20. Yes, it’s important that all your clothes are versatile, but don’t be so obsessed with making everything matchy and “wearable” that you make everything boring. 

21. Silk is actually not that high maintenance, but it would still be worth it if it was.

You know how to make washable silk? Take your silk and wash it. 

22. You don’t always need to “define your waist.” 

23. It’s okay, and often best, to stick to your comfort zone…

24. …But don’t be afraid to experiment within your own parameters.

25. It’s okay to wear flats with “nice” outfits.

I’ll never, ever minimize the power of a stiletto pump (in the club) or a cool, non-espadrille wedge…but, sometimes, a cute little slipper or mule is the vibe.

26. Sometimes, you don’t have to look for it. It will find you...

27. …But sometimes you do have to look really hard.

I’m still looking for my perfect blue boots, damnit.

28. Give your outfits a story.

Coming from a theatre background, I love, love, love making sh*t up—especially for the drama of it all. I wrote about this at length in Costuming Yourself, but, basically, give your outfits a little theme. It doesn’t matter if it’s the ratty T-shirt you’ve had since high school or your wedding day: Who do you want to be, today? As I type this in a secondhand Free People dress and fringe boots, I’ve walked straight out of 2016 Coachella and into a world where Closer by The Chainsmokers is still on the radio and I’ve just moved to LA to surf all day and drink expensive gin on someone else’s dime.

29. You can still wear whatever you want when you have to wear a bra: just get a bra you want to show off.

30. Your style doesn’t have to be super unique or wildly creative or even particularly “fun” to be yours.

31. You have time.

One thing I simply cannot resist is TikTok comments. It’s a terrible place to be, I know, but one thing that makes it infinitely more terrible is when I see some lovely creator in their 30s, 40s, even 50s with such a fully realized sense of style and an extensive, well-curated wardrobe or home and there’s literal teenagers in the comments lamenting how they don’t live lives like that. Let me tell you, if you told teenage or even 25-year-old Lakyn that I’d have a dog, a collection of vintage jewelry, a skincare routine I haven’t changed for over a year and a standing nail appointment every three weeks, I’d wonder who the hell you’re talking about. Because from back there, wherever you are, the future can seem so far off, and achieving the things you want—whether that be a career or a pair of blue boots—can seem so hopeless, but, at 19, and 20, and 25, and even 30…you have time. You have time to figure out what you want to do with your life and where you want to live and who you want to date and, obviously, and most importantly, what you want to wear.