Did you know it only takes 7 seconds to make a first impression?
Our aesthetic choices—from our outfits to our hair to our adornment—say so much for us before we even open our mouths, but, even before the way we choose to present determines how others interact with us, it determines how we interact with ourselves.
It’s so cliche to talk about confidence and “just love yourself!” when it comes to style. Yes, the best accessory is a strong sense of self, but, that’s not exactly something you can just Add To Cart. Luckily, I’m a strong believer in Faking It Til You Make It, and now that I feel I’ve successfully made it (“it” being an unwavering, unbreakable sense and aura of confidence), I’m ready to talk about how I faked it.
The Signature
It’s a common misconception that being into style or even just generally looking good requires a lot of effort but that, I think, depends on what you consider looking good, as well as how much effort you’re willing to put in once to reap the benefits forever. Things like consistent outfit formulas that are tried and true and make getting dressed a matter of smashing a couple items together and hitting the road; things like building a wardrobe full of quality pieces that fit and that you maintain well; and—the most important—finding your Thing.
There’s two kinds of Things I believe we sort of develop over time as we come into ourselves and into our personal style: the first is out of necessity. I wear boots and long skirts to hide scarring on my legs from a chronic illness; my mom wore shawls and wraps to hide the port for her dialysis; a friend of mine who uses a cane has several to match her outfits; another friend of mine has adopted a wardrobe entirely of silk to soothe their sensory issues. It’s not always about disability, of course: it could be something you wear because of the climate where you live or to honor your religion or culture or a number of things, but it is, at its core, merging beauty and function in the most optimal way, and allowing it to become an integral part of your own self-expression.
The second kind of Thing comes from the Self, and the expression thereof. It’s that Thing that goes with any look, any occasion; the one you feel naked without, or, at the very least, a little less you.
It’s the Thing that, after a fair bit of consistent wear, becomes a way to know it’s you. It’s the colorful coat every winter; the cool, statement shoes with even the simplest outfit; the bracelet you never take off; your dedicated color palette that you never stray from.
I consider this a way of leaning into your comfort zone: your Thing shouldn’t feel intrusive or inconvenient. It shouldn’t be something you’re forcing yourself into or forcing yourself to be okay with. Like, if you’re not in the habit of wearing jewelry everyday, your Thing probably won’t be jewelry—that is, until you’ve trained yourself to make me proud and at the very least slap on a necklace with every outfit.
Documenting the outfits you wear that make you feel the best is a good way to figure out what the best version of your comfort zone is, but, I also think the most intuitive, Things are found kinda by accident. Like I always say, taking the time to play dress up in your wardrobe is such a useful tool to figure out most style stuff, but especially to get a real grasp on what you gravitate toward the most and expand on it until it makes up the majority of your wardrobe, not just a few lightning strikes.
While the purpose of the Thing is obviously to help you dress more like yourself, there is a bit of an underlying goal that may or may not be relevant to your interests: the conversation starter. This is where Faking It comes in.
I know that my readers are all bright, dynamic, and charming individuals, of course. But, particularly in social situations, or just situations where you don’t mind being social, you may not always feel like you’re communicating that bright, dynamic charm.
For me, I chose to start communicating my self through my jewelry. I’m talking piles of chains, mixed metals, contrasting textures, layers on layers. They walk into the room before I do, and let people know exactly what my taste is and, by extension, a bit of my personality: loud (literally, those things click and clang no matter how delicate my movements), bold, and a little quirky at times. And it works: not a day goes by where I don’t receive a compliment on my jewels, and, as you know, I run on compliments like gasoline. Not to mention, I’ve made plenty of friends that started with telling each other how much we like what the other is wearing. Again, this may not be your goal. But in a society (we live in one) where so many of us are struggling to feel a sense of community and it’s getting harder and harder to build real, long-lasting connections, why not give yourself a little head start? It may seem superficial, but, when it comes to being and looking like your best self, in a way, it’s about taking what’s inside and making it a little more apparent.
Even if you would rather not have a bunch of people talk to you in public about your sartorial choices, it’s always worth sitting and thinking about how you feel like your best self and how to maximize how often you feel that. And, if you do also want people to fall at your feet when they meet you because you just look so cool and amazing and worth getting to know because of your cool and amazing style, ask yourself a simple question: What would you compliment a stranger on?
So, this post comes more than a little late compared to my usual posting schedule, but, it also comes with a little announcement of something I’ve been working on in the meantime.
I’ve joined forces with Sara Griot for The Unforgettable Woman, a free virtual learning event featuring 17 amazing and diverse personal stylists and image consultants. Every free pre-recorded audio-only session is full of actionable advice and judgment-free style guidance plus a free gift at the end to help you take your learning even further. I’m not getting paid for this, nor do you have to pay for it, I just think it’s a great opportunity to hear a bunch of style experts share their unique knowledge and perspectives. Together, we aim to support you in shifting the way you perceive yourself and your mindset around clothing, and start dressing for the body you have now, without having to change a thing. Did I mention it’s free? Click here for more info and to sign up!
I said in another comment that it brings joy when someone expresses a generous thought about how I present. But please don't touch me. There's appreciation and there's objectifying. I've experienced way too much of the latter. When strangers feel compelled to touch my bald head, feel the fabric of my clothes, lift my hands to inspect my manicure, they are engaging is something separate from complimenting. It's historical within the context of an oppressive history. Recently at the National Gallery a man left his group, approached me, broke all rules respecting personal space, and asked that I remove my eyewear so that he could see who made them. That goes beyond decorum. That's a show of entitlement. I don't want people to fall at my feet in response to my sartorial choice. "Great dress" is enough. Keep it simple. And don't touch me.
This is extremely timely. I’m in the beginning throes of a wardrobe update, so this feels affirming.